


Someone you loved

by AliceParrilla18



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Heartbreak, Song fic, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22137295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceParrilla18/pseuds/AliceParrilla18
Summary: Chronicom LMD of Phil Coulson has to face the consequences of his death. He'll do everything to protect the woman he loved.
Relationships: Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	Someone you loved

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This story takes place some time after season six finale. It's a continuation of my another story, Purpose, but it can be read separately as well. The song I put into the story is 'Someone you loved' by Levis Capaldi. English is not my main language, so I'm sorry for mistakes (please, remember that we're all just humans and we're writing here for fun). I'll be grateful for every comment. Hope you'll like it, enjoy!

_„I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me_

_This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy_

_I need somebody to heal_

_Somebody to know_

_Somebody to have_

_Somebody to hold_

_It's easy to say_

_But it's never the same_

_I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain”_

* * *

When her eyes opened for the first time and turned toward him, he was stunned. Panic fear prevented him from moving or looking away. So he just sat there, motionless as a statue and holding his breath, watching her slow movements and her brown eyes piercing him through, not yet fully awake and under the influence of strong painkillers that had been circulating in her body for many days.

"We were supposed to have a picnic. It doesn't look like a picnic to me. Let's go back to the beach, Phil.”

Her words were quiet and not clear, her throat hoarse and sore from long non use, and she fell asleep immediately after saying them, too exhausted for her body to return to normal functioning, but he heard her perfectly, and the fact that she knew who he was left him with a strange, unpleasant feeling in his heart that he couldn't name. He knew she was high, that she said his name just because she was probably dreaming about him, her brain desperately trying to stick to something familiar and thus coping with the trauma she was experiencing and slowly preparing her to return, but he couldn't feel guilty that he’s not the one she misses and that when she finally wakes up, she will again have to face the injustice of this world. No matter how much he wanted and tried, he couldn't help her get through it, make it easier for her, or save her from it in some wonderful, magical way. He wasn't real, he wasn't the man who found a place in her broken heart and nothing could change that.

He was angry. At Jemma for creating him. At Daisy, that she let him turn on and start living in this strange world. At Mack, that he didn't stop her. At Phil Coulson, whose face he was wearing, for his stubbornness and for choosing death instead of life, passing away happy, not realizing how much damage he was leaving behind and how high price his loved ones would have to pay for it. He was angry at himself that he could do nothing to fix anything of all the mess he was thrown against his will and couldn’t back down from it. But again, were these his feelings at all? Did he have his will? Or were they also not real? Mechanic, like all the rest of his body?

He hated himself from the very beginning. Or rather, what he had to be. And now seeing her look full of love for someone he couldn't be, only confirmed his conviction.

* * *

_„Now the day bleeds_

_Into nightfall_

_And you're not here_

_To get me through it all_

_I let my guard down_

_And then you pulled the rug_

_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved”_

* * *

He wasn't going to overhear, it was an accident. Or so he said to Jemma.

For real, he wasn't there by accident. He knew he shouldn't, but he just felt that he had to go there and look at her through a small hole in the door for just a second to make sure she was still there, that she was still breathing, and that she was safe. That was all he needed. So when he heard the voices before he could even peek, some inner force told him to remain hidden, though common sense was screaming at him to go and come back another time. It was stronger than him, however, so he stood by the wall next to the door, so that they wouldn’t hear him but that he would hear them. And he listened, not knowing that he got himself in the middle of a storm.

"How could you do this to me?”

"May, you don’t understand, we-"

"I understand perfectly, Daisy. Phil is dead. And for a moment I was too, I was with him before you decided to bring me back. Did you really thought that this damn robot could replace him?”

"So what, I was supposed to let you die? Don't save you when there was a chance?”

"Exactly!”

"I’m sorry, May, but I couldn’t loose you, too. We all have already lost Coulson.”

"But I was with him, don’t you get it? And I was happy. Why couldn’t you leave me in peace? Why couldn’t you let me go, when I was ready for it?!”

"Because you’re all I have left! You’re like a mother for me, you’re my S.O., you’re-"

"No. Without him I am nothing.”

If his body was real, if he could cry like a real man, he would be all in tears now. Instead, he could only put his hand to his mouth to mute the sobs that came out of somewhere inside him and let himself be overpowered by the feeling of the heart being torn to pieces.

By the time Daisy left the room, he was gone.

* * *

_„I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to_

_This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you_

_Now, I need somebody to know_

_Somebody to heal_

_Somebody to have_

_Just to know how it feels_

_It's easy to say but it's never the same_

_I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape”_

* * *

Some time later, when May was strong enough to stand up, he wished he wasn’t there to see it.

But he was there. And saw everything.

He could see her bothering to stand up straight, but still taking little steps along the darkened corridor. He saw her face when their eyes met for the first time, when this time she was conscious and fully aware of what was happening around her. He saw the confusion disappear from her eyes and change into fear, disappointment and then anger. He saw her still weak body refuse to obey and her falling to her knees, shouting "Why did you bring me back?! I just wanted to be with him. You were supposed to let me die!” while sticking daggers into his mechanical heart, all the time looking him straight in the eyes. He saw tears streaming down her red cheeks. He saw her pushing Daisy and Jemma's hands away as they tried to help her up. He saw how angry she was at everything and everyone around her, especially at him, at the man who once again was not the love of her life and she had to experience the same pain again. He saw her pulling out and tugging in all directions like a child who was taken away from its favorite toy. He saw Melinda May, the Cavalry, the strongest person on Earth fall apart on the plane floor, hundreds of meters above the ground, and the remains of her broken heart crumble to dust. He saw her body finally give up only after Jemma managed to inject her with a sedative syringe. He saw her drifting into a feeling of blissful numbness and falling asleep in Daisy's arms, running away from reality, where she could let herself get deluded by the illusion of life that she might have had for a few moments more.

He saw it all and could do absolutely nothing.

Jemma told him he shouldn't, but he felt guilty as hell. He knew it wasn't his fault. Just like it wasn't May's fault when she got kidnapped and replaced by a LMD version of herself, and he was stupid enough not to notice and figure it out before, and let the android manipulate him and change something in his feelings to her forever. He wasn't the one to blame now, just like she wasn’t then.

It wasn’t his fault, but seeing her now, knowing that he and his presence had led her to such a state, he simply wanted to disappear, go back to a time when he didn’t exist and couldn’t hurt anyone. That would be better for all of them.

* * *

_„Now the day bleeds_

_Into nightfall_

_And you're not here_

_To get me through it all_

_I let my guard down_

_And then you pulled the rug_

_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved”_

* * *

"I know you’re not happy that Daisy has assigned us to this mission together, but at least try to relax. People are staring,” he said, discreetly looking around the cafe where they were sitting. Melinda only glanced angrily at him and then turned back to the window. Phil sighed sadly, reaching for the cup of steaming tea standing on the table in front of him. "Why don’t you try this tea? It’s really-"

Before he could finish, May suddenly got up from her chair and ran toward the exit. He followed her closely, suspecting that she had managed to spot the man they had been waiting for several hours.

"May, wait!” he called, but she had no intention of slowing down.

Phil quickly traced the figure in a long black coat and a hat. Unfortunately for them, the man noticed them and started running away, pushing through the crowd of people. They started chasing him.

If May was at full strength, she would have had him a long time ago. Now, however, physical exertion still cost her a lot, so that when Phil caught up with her, he could see sweat forming on her forehead and hear how hard she was breathing. He said nothing though, knowing that it wouldn’t get to her. She didn't listen to anyone and treated him like air. He knew that it was too early and that it must be enough for him, because perhaps it was the only form of interaction he could ever count on.

Approaching the dead end, the man in black stopped suddenly and turned toward them. Phil noticed him pulling out his gun a second too late.

Without thinking, he threw himself sideways, catching Melinda on the way, while a bullet flew dangerously close to her head. They both fell to the ground. Rolling for several meters, he didn't let go of her for a moment, wanting to absorb the fall as much as possible.

When he opened his eyes, he realized he was almost lying on a brunette. The momentary shock disappeared from her face as soon as it appeared, but she didn’t move, although she knew that the man had long ago run away. She was looking at Phil with something he couldn't identify.

"There is really a part of him in me,” he said, knowing that the opportunity like this might not happen again. "The part that wants your safety. And happiness. You have to believe me.”

He knew her well enough to see that she doesn’t know what to say. She quickly looked away and frowned with anger. He stood up and reached out a hand for her. She rejected his help with a wave of her hand and got up alone, then without looking back even once started waking towards the market, where they were supposed to meet with Daisy.

He sighed in resignation, and then followed.

* * *

_„And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes_

_I fall into your arms_

_I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around_

_For now the day bleeds_

_Into nightfall_

_And you're not here_

_To get me through it all_

_I let my guard down_

_And then you pulled the rug_

_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved”_

* * *

He was changing his shirt when the door to his cabin suddenly opened. May walked toward him as if she was about to hit him. But when she was so close she could reach him, she stopped and raised her head to look him in the eyes.

He was standing still, not knowing how to behave. He noticed that she was actually so close that they were almost touching each other. Feeling her warm breath on his face, he waited for her to speak. But she was silent. And she was looking at him as intensely as if her life depended on it. Maybe for her it really was.

Her eyes were expressing so much emotion at once that he couldn't focus on one. He couldn't stand the silence and tension that made the air around them thicken.

"I know what you feel,” he whispered, fearing that louder sound might scare her away. She shook her head gently, without taking her eyes off him.

"You know nothing about me. You don’t know me,” she said quietly. "You’re not him.”

This time he was the one who had to think about the answer for a moment. He didn't blame her for thinking like that. It was his fault, and she had to pay the price. He couldn't explain it to her, and she couldn't understand. Or she just didn't want to.

"I have his memories.”

"Not all of them.”

"But enough to know-"

"You can't know how I feel because you haven't been through all these hard days with me. You may remember some of them, but it won't change the fact that _you_ weren't there.”

He didn't know if it was physically possible, but she got closer to him. He could feel her warmth and smell with all his might. He held his breath as she put her hands on his cheeks and moved her gaze down on his lips. He didn’t dare to move or speak. Real or not, he belonged to her, and she knew it.

She was so close and yet so far away as never before.

They were standing in silence for a few seconds, focused on each other, their hearts beating like crazy. They both realized that at that moment everything could have happened.

When only millimeters were separating their faces from each other, she slowly looked up again, and a tear rolled down her cheek.

"You’re not him,” she whispered with such sadness in her voice that every mechanical cell in his body hurt. Before he could react, she moved away and left the cabin without a word, slamming the door behind her. He didn't follow her.

Closing his eyes, he put his hand to where her skin was touching his face just a moment ago and sighed deeply.

She was right. He wasn’t and will never be the man she loved. He only wanted her to be happy, but now he was convinced that it’s impossible as long as he’s around.

He promised himself that he would do everything in his power to keep her safe. That she would live her life as she wants, on her own terms. He won't bother her. He will stay in the shadow if that’s what she needs. For her, for a woman who has never been and will never be his, he will do everything.

At least something good will come from his existence.

* * *

_„But now the day bleeds_

_Into nightfall_

_And you're not here_

_To get me through it all_

_I let my guard down_

_And then you pulled the rug_

_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved_

_I let my guard down_

_And then you pulled the rug_

_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved”_

**THE END**


End file.
